I’m a dad now!

Becoming a parent is an incredible process. In the past 9+ months we’ve been observing our little one go from a 10-week blob with a tiny heartbeat to an independent human being. I’ve had that time to think about parenting and fatherhood. Now that our little girl is here, this post is mostly for her to look back on someday.

My daughter's hand

I also want to write more about parenting. My parents tell me stories about what I was like as a baby, but those are 30+ year old memories. They never wrote things down as they happened. I have that opportunity now. It’ll be good for us to reflect on later.

I’ve had this blog for over a decade. I’ve been writing since high school. It feels special to think that my daughter might someday read through all of it and get to know who her dad was through the years.

Optimism

“To choose to be a parent is to be an optimist; you wouldn’t bring a child into the world if you weren’t.”

I read a quote like this somewhere and it really stuck with me. I wish I could remember where.

Parenthood is the most deliberate form of optimism. You’re betting that the world will be good enough for your child, and that you’ll do your part to make it better.

Learning and teamwork

Before the hospital, I had never changed a diaper (well, not on a real baby). And I’d never really held a newborn. By the second day, I was doing both on autopilot. Some things you learn by reading; others you learn because you have to. I’m like 80% sure a lot of this is from human instinct. Surely a lot of this stuff is in our genes.

Parenting is an enormous team effort. You’ll know this if you ever have to do triple feeding – how much it matters for both parents to work well together. I’m fortunate my wife and I make a good team (one of the nurses even pointed that out). I’ve realized that parenting is just a continuous stream of new problems to solve. Having a partner with whom you can do complex problem solving is really important.

What I want for my daughter

I know what it’s like to grow up as a boy. Having a daughter is going to be a completely different experience. I’m excited to be a girl dad!

My wife and I are both immigrants. Our families went through their own challenges — H-1B visas, naturalization, and the long process of building a life in a new country. Our parents moved their families to a completely different culture so that we could have better opportunities.

Our daughter, on the other hand, is born in California — a citizen, with parents who both work in tech in the Bay Area. That’s a huge privilege. Somehow we’ll have to make sure she doesn’t take it for granted — that she still learns the value of effort, curiosity, and growth.

My goal is simple: to be the best parent I can be. I don’t have any expectations in return, but I do have certain hopes. I want her to grow up as an open-minded, curious, and well-rounded person. Growing up, I loved tinkering with hobbies, playing instruments, and figuring things out. These days I get the same joy from cooking, picking up Hindi, and learning about parenting. I hope she finds her own versions of that — things that make her curious and keep her growing.

Appendix: random things I’ve learned

• Process: it’s fascinating how structured the medical side of pregnancy is. Once you’re expecting, you basically have nine months of appointments already mapped out.
• OBs: surprisingly data-driven. When we asked questions, the answer was usually “here’s what the data says” (or “there’s no data on that”).
• Newborn stomachs: tiny. They need to be fed every ~3 hours. The only thing they can consume is milk, which gives them both hydration and calories. The schedule is wild, but you adapt. I haven’t had a sleep stretch longer than 3 hours in weeks.
• Tracking: it’s important to track pees and poops. Pees show hydration and food intake; poops just confirm that everything’s working internally.
• Sleep: newborns don’t really have a day/night rhythm yet — they just cycle through feeding and sleeping.
• White noise: surprisingly effective. The womb is a noisy place.
• Change: things shift every week. What worked yesterday might not today.

Even though the past few weeks have been the most sleep-deprived and physically demanding of my life, it’s also been the most fun I’ve ever had. Waking up at 3 AM to change and feed my daughter isn’t exactly fun in the moment, but it’s more time to spend with her — and I’ll take every bit of it. Hopefully she doesn’t grow up too fast.

I’ve been writing this blog for over a decade. It feels special to think that someday, my daughter might read these posts and see not just who her dad was, but what he cared about, and how much he was still learning.

References:

• Paul Graham — Kids

Books I found helpful:

• We’re Pregnant! The First-Time Dad’s Pregnancy Handbook — Adrian Kulp. There’s a lot of parenting resources, but having a book for new dads that’s broken down week-by-week is very convenient.
• Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy — Myra Wick. Similar to the above, but this is more like the Mayo Clinic articles in book form.
• The Happiest Baby on the Block — Harvey Karp. Recommended by our pediatrician. After starting to read this, I feel like I can calm any baby in 15 minutes!